So, Microsoft has this new piece of crap software called SongSmith. Basically, you sing into your stupid computer and the thing acts like your “band” by providing a back up soundtrack.

See for yourself.

Sidenote: I kind of want to murder that little Lisa twerp.

Now. Behold the smoldering piles of online aftermath it’s left in its careless wake.

Dismal. I hope you pay for this one day, Microsoft.

If you’re one of those people who reads this blog on a somewhat regular basis you know that I believe billboards along with other out-of-home placements are totally abused as a medium. I’ve come to the conclusion that this is because of three reasons (that I will apologetically bore you with right now. Bear with Me.).

1. It’s every car-dealin’ asshole’s dream to see his face stretched across a 14 x 48 sheet of vinyl.
2. Super low CPMs = good for big brand media mixes
3. Out-of-Home vendors are money hungry bastards who harbor very little ethics on the disgraceful images with which they carelessly choose to pollute your environment.

Given my generalized disgust you can imagine my delight when my colleague, Annie, turned me on to this crew, the BLF (short for “Billboard Liberation Front”). They’re a team of anonymous media preserving activists who deface billboard advertisements that they feel are esthetically unpleasing and (therefore) offensive.

(Some anonymous BLF’ers at the office)

On the record: It sure is sad that ads paid for by hard-earned media dollars are destroyed (with a wink and smile and an “awe shucks” snap).

Off the record: These people may be extremists, but it sure is nice that SOMEONE out there is doing their part to preserve the integrity of messages that bombard us every day. Let’s face it; they’re bringing attention to ads that people would have been subconsciously oblivious to anyway.

Did I miss something? Since when did Converse abandon “classic, cool and American” for “cheap, flimsy and sophomoric?”

I guess the only way to sell an ass load of Chucks (in Target) is to abandon all equity with the style influencer market and go after tween boys so they can wear them for 2 months only to realize that the cool kids are wearing Pumas (not from Target).

This being the goal, “Out of Your League Girl” should work like a charm. I can’t think of a better way to destroy a brand’s equity than a series of poorly done online videos starring some chick that was possibly discovered shopping in a Hot Topic” in Phoenix, Arizona. Also, I can’t escape the notion that the set looks like the inside of an insane asylum.

Just trying to wrap my brain around something here. You’re the biggest media ratings service in the world. Monolithic even! You’ve blazed trails since 1923. You’re able to channel billions upon billions of ad dollars by your effortless nod.

Here’s the bone I’m dying to pick with you. This “Hey! Nielsen” thing that was apparently to slapped together by what I can only assume was a team of high school interns has me tremendously under whelmed. No, beyond under whelmed. I’m terrified. Is this supposed to be any sort of response to our never-satiated desire for buzz metrics?

This is the deal. We need you to stop scaring us with this crap and hire some new blood to drag your saggy ass down the streets of tomorrow. In the mean time we need answers on breaking trends stat. Let’s be honest. You could probably make them up and we would all believe you.

If you don’t stop running that McNuggets beat box spot I’m going to have to hurt somebody.

Remember the 80’s TV show, “Small Wonder?” It was about a little girl named “Vicki” who possessed super human strength and superior intelligence all wrapped up in an adorable little girl body. As a child viewer of the program I desperately wanted to be Vicki. Here’s the catch, Vicki was a ROBOT. There is no way I could ever expect to operate at Vicki’s highly advanced capacity. She was a scientifically engineered android. I was merely a human child. This made me feel ok about me.

“Vicki” from “Small Wonder”

As we grow into adulthood we’re sometimes forced to face our own inadequacies. I try to avoid this as much as possible. Here’s an example, like most Americans I adore Cirque Du Soleil. My way of dealing with the fact that my body is not a chiseled piece of art capable of creative moment beyond my wildest dreams is by simply telling myself that the people in Cirque are androids like Vicki. It’s a lie, but it makes me feel ok about me.

Given all of this you can imagine the sheer disappointment I endured after finding this web site. It’s a recruitment site for Cirque du Soleil talent. This web site tells me that I may be able to perform these other-worldly feats of the flesh. I know that I am not. It says that all I need to do is apply and I can be a part of the show. I know that if I did this I would face instantaneous rejection. This does NOT make me feel ok about me.

“Thanks,” Cirque do Soleil, for ruining my day.

Maybe I’m just feeling extra bitchy this week, but for some reason this article really annoyed me.

For the love of God, read this quote by Trevor Edwards, Nike’s corporate vice president for global brand and category management:

“We’re not in the business of keeping the media companies alive. We’re in the business of connecting with consumers.”

I’m sorry, what?

If there’s any hack out there who finds this statement enlightening they need to pack it up and go home. Here’s the thing, I don’t think anyone found this profound except for (ironically) the media itself. It’s probably safe to say the media should concentrate on keeping itself alive. I’d probably start by 1) not publishing articles like this and 2) aggressively exploring some new revenue models.

I don’t mean to pick on Nike. They’re no doubt doing things the way any smart marketer would if they had tens of millions of dollars at their disposal. In fact, the only advice I would give to them is that they should try to keep this Trevor Edwards guy from stating the obvious when he gets in front of reporters.

You want see how an extremely ignorant yet well-meaning accidental insult materializes itself into an electronic device?

I know you do. Here you go.

It’s the “Jitterbug” and it’s a phone for old people. It’s called the Jitterbug because, “isn’t that the dance all the old people did back during WWII?” Yeah…

Go to the web site and you’ll find two models “designed with you in mind.” That’s assuming you’re either a well-trained Golden Retriever or a baby dolphin. The “One Touch” model features three buttons that Maude can choose from should she find herself in dire straits.

Here’s the bottom line. If your Grandmother can’t learn to operate a basic-model mobile phone maybe that’s a sign you either A) Shouldn’t leave her alone or B) Get her into a better home. I’ll tell you this much, if I ever tried to give my Grandma a “Jitterbug” it would be the very last thing I did before she clocked me right in the yapper.

Can’t help but wonder if this is what Disney Mobile is doing with all of its unused handsets…

At the complete risk of sounding like a total dork I love my social networks. At 29 years old and “spoken for” social networking goes way beyond meeting cute boys and spying on the skanks that he’s probably hooking up with. At my age it’s for spying on people that I went to high school with and comparing their level of success to mine (and to also see if they’ve grown fat or bald). You see, for those of us on the cusp of Gen X/Y having a cute profile page with fun pictures is the equivalent of having a neatly manicured lawn for our parents’ generation. It’s just a healthy way to let the outside world know that we’re doing just fine.

Up until about two weeks ago MySpace was my go-to social network…and then I jumped the shark to Facebook. I realize I’m way beyond the curve here. People have been doing this long enough for the “cool kids” to proclaim that Facebook is already “soooo over.” That probably has something to do with the fact that I’m on there with all my fat and balding (yet moderately successful) high school friends, but I don’t’ care. I don’t have anything to prove.

I tell you who does have something to prove. MySpace.

MySpace wants to get back on top and according to a seemingly desperate Peter Levinsohn, president of Fox Interactive Media, the unit that owns MySpace, they’ve got a few tricks up their sleeve. One is an ad function called “interest targeting.” It’s basically a series of complex algorithms that categorizes users based on their interests and then serves them up targeted ads based on said interests…blah, blah blah. Sure it’s cool, but seems like something that should have happened back in 2005 along with other applications that would have pushed the needle in terms of a user experience. I guess what I’m getting at is that it seems like MySpace rested easy on its giant laurels totally content with being the biggest social network in the world. What MySpace didn’t realize is that in 2007 social networking for social networking’s sake won’t be enough for users. We want fun.

I’m a Level 27 Pirate Vixen on Facebook. My evil pirate army is growing every day. Sure, it’s a silly game, but I love it. I talk about it with my friends. I brag because I’m the highest ranked Facebook pirate out of anyone I know. Another silly example of pointless Facebook fun; the other day my fiancé bought me a Golden Buddah statue and posted it on my profile page. He paid $1 and wrote a nice note for all the world to see. It’s trivial and simple, but it made my day.

Alls I’m saying is MySpace should take note before they find themselves in Friendster’s fate…