I’m not sure what I was doing in 1992 that would be considered more important than attempting to get this catastrophe off the air and all evidence of its previous existence totally annihilated. I guess the sixth grade was more distracting than I remember.

I don’t think I’m alone when I say that Taco Bell should burn in hell for this tragically forbidding mark on Cash’s otherwise legitimately cool life. On the bright side if you’re feeling like a total sellout this should ease your pain. There’s nothing you can do that could possibly be worse than poor Johnny selling his soul for a little Taco Bell money.

Question: Guess who’s the new spokesperson for Aruba Tourism.

A. Cindy Crawford: After disappointing sales of her furniture line at Raymore and Flannigan, Cindy decided it would be best if she went back to her roots of swimsuit-clad endorsing. She’s a viable option.
B. Regis and Kelly: So, I knew this girl in college who would give it up to any frat boy who’d take her out to a steak dinner. After burning through the Delta Sigma house in less than two months she found it next to impossible to land a date on campus. When I think about this woman I can’t help but be reminded of the way that Regis and Kelly approach brand endorsement deals and wonder if they’re sealing their “no more steak dinner” fate. Yeah. It’s got to be Regis and Kelly, right?
C. Louis Black: What? No. It can’t be Louis Black! That’s just silly.

Answer:

Louis totally sold out! This makes me less likely to watch any future HBO specials he may be in, but oddly somewhat more likely to visit Aruba.

First of all, you don’t have to be a well-paid marketer to figure that dropping the words “high fructose” out of the name “high fructose corn syrup” may make the product more appealing to the masses. To take it one step further, I’d venture to even say that the word “syrup” might alienate more health-conscious consumers. What about “the Essence of Corn” or “Corn Juice?” Just a thought.

Also, here are some other things that won’t kill a human if administered or consumed in moderation:

1. Mild electric shock
2. Raid brand insecticide
3. Methamphetamine

Oh yeah and “great job” on the casting.

I think it’s cute how the atheists put their hard-earned money together to run an ad campaign to tell people that they think there’s no such thing as God. I guess they did it because they got bored just sitting around judging Christians and talking about how death is totally going to suck.

Sellout (sel out) noun: One who has betrayed one’s principles or an espoused cause.

Just sayin’.

I do believe it’s possible that the people in this ad genuinely believe they are “Joe the Plumber.” However, I do NOT think it’s possible that they could look more “dead behind the eyes.”

If I ran into this freakish thing on the street I’d probably run away as fast as possible. It’s a bus shelter equipped with a hidden motion sensor that assaults unsuspecting pedestrians with pterodactyl-like screams of Japanese teens and blinding flashbulb lights. It’s for a Swedish TV show called “Big In Japan,” but that hardly matters.

The only thing fathomably worse than this would be a bus shelter that mugs people and takes all their money. Oh, maybe “CSI” should look into that.

Every time I see this spot I can’t help but think about the people that made it, but not as their current adult selves. I like to think of them as children. I imagine their teacher asking them what they want to be when they grow up and can only assume their doe-eyed response would be this:

“I want be an embarrassment to my family and shame the legacy of my name forever.”

These spots are beyond disgraceful. They’re unfathomably disgusting. For the love of God it’s a commercial about dingleberries. DINGLEBERRIES!

Classic Win/Win.

Ah, yes. The dreaded “Bread Face.” We’re definitely going to want to avoid that.

Guess who’s in therapy?

So, tell us about this boyfriend of yours. Underage? Felony? I’m all ears.

Gymnasts scare the shit out of me.