You’ve got to cut this “Could have had a V8” businesses out. You’re making people think too hard…and not in a good way.

Here’s a word to the wise. If you’re pushing tomato juice the last thing you want to do is encourage people to think about actually drinking tomato juice. You must brainwash these people by going totally subliminal or pack it up and go home.

Another tip: try to avoid making ads that look like the inside of a garbage can. I don’t care how “interesting” the photography looks. It’s not working.

So, I was thinking about it on the way to work today (after being subjected to one of your rather unfortunate bus shelters) and here are 5 things on my “to do” list that I’d rather do than have a V8.

1. My taxes
2. Rinse with “classic” flavored Listerine for a full minute
3. Remove that pesky ketchup stain off my favorite table cloth
4. Pay my Comcast bill
5. Fold socks

My life would be a lot more interesting if more media reps started rapping like the guys at Ripe. Delightful.

If I were to tell you that I get a little turned on at the part of the song where he talks about his “reach”…would that be weird?

Do NOT go here if you’re a horse lover or are offended by anti-horse literature.

Thanks for sending, Matt L.

This blog terrifies me. If you’re white you should be terrified too. These people have got us figured out.

For the love of God, just look at the masthead.

If someone were to ask me to list my four favorite things I would probably say the following:

1. Sushi
2. Bulldogs
3. The beach
4. Organic vegetables

Ok, so maybe that last one is a stretch. I probably would have listed vodka, but three out of four ain’t bad! Plus, I honestly do enjoy an occasional bell pepper.

The rest of it blew my mind too. Other stuff white people like,

1. Difficult breakups/ Divorce (been there, done that!)
2. Hyphenated names (considering it!)
3. Mos Def (he’s great!)
4. Japan (um, hi. Japan is AWESOME)
5. Expensive Sandwiches (Only like every day at lunch!)

Is someone spying on me???

Thanks for sending, Hilmer…thanks A LOT.

This article likens Barack Obama’s campaign site to a Mac and Hillary’s to a PC. A genius association for the Obama camp as there is nothing more polarizing to enthusiastic mac-lovers as a PC users, but PC users generally are open to, if not desire, eventually becoming Mac users. At least this is my experience. Thoughts?

Recovering from another sucky Valentines Day? Nothing says, “Pity me” more tastefully than Alyssa Dee Krauss bandaid jewelry. Choose from two designs, a lapel pin (to be worn over your mending heart) or a “Wedding Band(aid)” designed for those of you who may be contemplating divorce. Yikes…but totally cool ring!

If you do opt for the Wedding Band(aid) design, you’re out of luck. They’re totally sold out. Sorry. But isn’t it nice to know that you’re not alone in your misery?

You can really learn so much about a culture by their McDonald’s-sponsored “viral” content. Here in the states we get fratified beat-boxing loonies and then over in Japan they get this magic.

I love it. Even thought I can feel by brain dying every time I watch it. Japan wins!

Thank God you’re back. I was about to start reading books.

Welcome to the future of Valentine’s Day technology, the Red Tettemer iMate (copyright pending). With this automatic romance configurator finding the love of your life is easy. Simply browse our selection of Red Tettemer singles below, select the one to your liking and email that person. We sincerely hope that they email you back (although we can’t make any promises).

Your mother will love me.
GoodCredit84@redtettemer.com

She’s got legs…and she knows how to use ‘em.
legs@redtettemer.com

SWM, 30 Looking For NSA, D/D Free Fun
pillowtalk@redtettemer.com

Crazy, sexy, cool
tlc@redtettemer.com

Let’s get hopped up and make some really bad decisions.
stdfree@redtettemer.com

I’m totally laid back and don’t care about boys so here are 4 ways of getting in touch with me.
yotony@redtettemer.com
yotony@redtettemer.com
yotony@redtettemer.com
yotony@redtettemer.com

I’m into slow-dancing and trips to pound-town.
mybandiscalledloverocket@redtettemer.com

Equipment for Rent: 300/hr. Role Playing is extra
TurkishTower@redtettemer.com

I’m going to start working out again — as soon as I figure out where to sit my martini.
asteio@redtettemer.com

no really … I’m listening…
imalreadyboredwithyou@redtettemer.com

Once you go tall, you never go small.
iheartcommitment@redtettemer.com

So many men, so little time - take a number.
nextplease@redtettemer.com

Perhaps you recognize me from such films as…
TroyMcClure@redtettemer.com

IQ matters.
smartypants@redtettemer.com

I’m hot and I can kick you in the face.
highkickchamp@redtettemer.com

enough said.
size13@redtettemer.com

100% Female.
shegotdaappleson@redtettemer.com

Lifetime of experience
magicfingers@redtettemer.com

Choose wisely
thedevilandgodareraginginsideme@redtettemer.com

Can you hear this? If so, I am sorry. This is the shrillest, teeth-shattering sound ever. If you can’t hear it you’re old. I’m sorry about that too.

That was a mobile phone ring tone that only kids are supposed to be able to hear. The frequency lives in the higher end of the human audio range, a chunk of the range that our ears stop being able to hear as we age. I don’t consider that a bad thing.