America thanks for rejecting this spot. It’s the last thing our beer-bloated bodies want to see when gnawing on a rack of slow-cooked pork ribs.

I would, however, like to thank PETA for giving me some fresh ideas on new uses for broccoli.

Question: Guess who’s the new spokesperson for Aruba Tourism.

A. Cindy Crawford: After disappointing sales of her furniture line at Raymore and Flannigan, Cindy decided it would be best if she went back to her roots of swimsuit-clad endorsing. She’s a viable option.
B. Regis and Kelly: So, I knew this girl in college who would give it up to any frat boy who’d take her out to a steak dinner. After burning through the Delta Sigma house in less than two months she found it next to impossible to land a date on campus. When I think about this woman I can’t help but be reminded of the way that Regis and Kelly approach brand endorsement deals and wonder if they’re sealing their “no more steak dinner” fate. Yeah. It’s got to be Regis and Kelly, right?
C. Louis Black: What? No. It can’t be Louis Black! That’s just silly.

Answer:

Louis totally sold out! This makes me less likely to watch any future HBO specials he may be in, but oddly somewhat more likely to visit Aruba.

First of all, you don’t have to be a well-paid marketer to figure that dropping the words “high fructose” out of the name “high fructose corn syrup” may make the product more appealing to the masses. To take it one step further, I’d venture to even say that the word “syrup” might alienate more health-conscious consumers. What about “the Essence of Corn” or “Corn Juice?” Just a thought.

Also, here are some other things that won’t kill a human if administered or consumed in moderation:

1. Mild electric shock
2. Raid brand insecticide
3. Methamphetamine

Oh yeah and “great job” on the casting.

Coffin Couches are the new hotness.

I think it’s cute how the atheists put their hard-earned money together to run an ad campaign to tell people that they think there’s no such thing as God. I guess they did it because they got bored just sitting around judging Christians and talking about how death is totally going to suck.