Now THIS is how you market an album. NIN’s once drummer, Josh Freese, is offering a variety of different personal services (none of which are sexual in nature, perv) depending on which level of sponsorship package you purchase with this new record, “Since 1972.”

I’m torn. The $250 package includes a lunch date at PF Changs with Josh, but for the $500 package I can upgrade that experience to an 8.99 “all you can eat” steak dinner at Sizzler with Josh. It really seems worth it.

The packages go up to $75,000. This motherload includes Josh being your personal assistant for a month, taking a Limo to Tijuana with Josh so he can “show you how it’s done,” and Josh writing, recording and actually releasing a 5-song EP about your life story.

Man, I sure do wish Bruce Springsteen would jump on this bandwagon. I’d pony up some big bucks for that fella.

Whenever I’m having a bad day I like to visit F*** My Life and browse through all the shittaneous stuff that happens to anonymous people. Never fails to at least make me feel a little better.

Not to get all “beautiful mind” on you, but that (ahem) “leaked” Pepsi logo document actually made a lot of sense to me. Hell, if I were the one in charge of dropping that wad of cash for one of America’s most iconic brands I’d want to be certain that it’s practically scientifically proven to appeal to people. In fact, I think all agencies should make it common practice to present this rationale with any graphic recommendations.

Oh and you know what? I like the new Pepsi campaign. It’s big and it’s bold and it’s everywhere. There. I said it.

I have a raging friend crush on Lissy Trullie. I also can’t stop listening to anything she puts out.

I’m willing to bet that in these times of economic downturn and tough job market there are a lot more ad people turning to religion. The crux of this speculation is that while I genuinely believe we are good people, the lot of us aren’t exactly the most wholesome of souls. Many of us don’t have a God to turn to when times get tough.

Enter the “Belief-O-Matic.” Just answer a series of questions and you’ve got yourself some religion or “’ligion” as I like to call it. Apparently, I’m a Theravada Buddhist. Awesome!

So, Microsoft has this new piece of crap software called SongSmith. Basically, you sing into your stupid computer and the thing acts like your “band” by providing a back up soundtrack.

See for yourself.

Sidenote: I kind of want to murder that little Lisa twerp.

Now. Behold the smoldering piles of online aftermath it’s left in its careless wake.

Dismal. I hope you pay for this one day, Microsoft.

Hi, Reader. I’m going to admit, my primary reason for this post is an attempt to spark your, ahem, “romantic tendencies” enough to email one of our iMate singles below.

Watch this:

That was an ad for Agent Provocateur, a lingerie company out of the UK. With collections named “Pirates,” “Virgins,” and “Witches” I’m going to go on record to say this is the hottest lingerie company I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting.

Oh and just in case you’re lacking in the sensual imagination department they’ve created interactive theater experiences for their collections. I’m a fan of the “Pirates” experience, personally, but that should go without saying.

Welcome to the future of Valentine’s Day technology, the second annual Red Tettemer iMate (copyright still pending). With this automatic romance configurator finding the love of your life is easy. Simply browse our selection of attractive Red Tettemer singles below, select the one to your liking and email that person. We sincerely hope that they email you back (although we can’t make any promises).

Must like kids.
plentifulbounty@redtettemer.com

Isley Brothers said it best: “Enough of the singin’, let’s make love, in between the sheets.”
betweenthesheets@redtettemer.com

June Cleaver seeks Ward for her Beaver.
downanddirty@redtettemer.com

That’s the smell of desire, m’lady.
stillstdfree@redtettemer.com

Clearance. Two for the price of one.
recession09@redtettemer.com

I’ll make your face blush and your toilet flush.
HanDiMan4DandiGrl@redtettemer.com

Get your own suit, beeatch.
falafelseekinghummus@redtettemer.com

SHM seeks wholesome SF. Must be open to new experiences. Must Love kittens. No weirdoes please!
cuteandcuddly@redtettemer.com

Patrick Dancer is a Private in the IRA who enjoys making potato clocks and speaking norn iron in the sack. Private Dancer loves money and he’ll do what you want him to do.
potatobomb@redtettemer.com

Olivia Newton John ain’t got nothin’ on me.
letsgetphysical@redtettemer.com.